kinda funny...

It's kinda funny how my expectancies of life have changed. I used to really want to be a career woman. I wanted a job with the forest service or fish and game. I wanted to spend my days out in the field, writing down population densities of elk and deer and writing papers on research I had conducted. I was ready to go back to school and so dedicated to graduating with a bachelors degree. That's all I wanted, was to be smart and "successful." and how I measured success was by how smart I was and how hard I was working. Then October came. I got tired, my classes got less interesting (or thats how I perceived them). I just wanted to hang out with my family and skip school and do stuff I love.
Then on October 14th, I found out I was pregnant! my initial reaction:

Obviously excited. Then, of course, the reality set in. My perfect life with just me and my husband, our comfortable financial status, my healthy non-pregnant body, my baby-less future for at least 2 more years... all gone! Since then, I have had many meltdowns. And I've realized that I have never been 100% positive of anything in my life. Even the morning before marrying Blake I had a meltdown. While I sat by the toilet at Blake's parents house because I swore I was going to throw up from nervousness...

Blake: "Do you still want to marry me?"

Me (between sobs and tears): "I don't know!"

Looking back at that, I am such a drama queen. I told Blake the other night (after one particularly depressing meltdown) that if I totally screw up in this life and am a complete failure, at least I married a really nice guy.

And I stand by that! I don't need to be 100% for sure, dead set on any life plan. Because I've realized that if I'm being a good girl and doing what I'm supposed to, and if I have faith, it's all gunna happen for me, and I'll be happy. The future is as bright as your faith.

(I think that's why this baby had to be un-planned, because I don't think I ever would have had the guts to start "trying" for a baby by myself.) YES, life will be hard. YES, I'm still going to get stressed out and worry about making ends meet, and making sure that my husband and I still love each other. YES, I am always going to want to move back to Canada. (just to clarify!) But I'm learning to find joy in the journey. And to tie in my initial thought, I just started a new nanny job working from 7am to 6pm, and it kinda breaks my heart seeing this mom spend such little time with her kids. Now all I want to do is be a mama! Forget working long days and only seeing my babies to wake them up and tuck them in, I want to be a big part in their lives as much as I can. Until then, I'll just keep growing my little peach and try to stay positive. Merry Christmas!

13 weeks, I swear it looks bigger than it is!